Anorgasmia or what to do if you can’t orgasm?
Anorgasmia is a type of sexual dysfunction in which people can’t have orgasms despite adequate stimulation.
It’s far more common in women than in males, and more common in women after their menopause. In men, it’s closely associated with delayed ejaculation.
If you’re experiencing it, you’re not alone. I’m writing here to provide some awareness about it and some help for you.
There are more levels to this dysfunction: you could find primary anorgasmia (never had an orgasm), secondary anorgasmia (can have an orgasm, but lost the ability to have that) and situational anorgasmia (can have an orgasm in certain situations; eg: can have an orgasm while masturbating and being alone, can’t do that with a partner).
Of course, first you would need to know through different blood tests if you have some hormonal disturbances, or some other physiological aspects out of balance that cause this). So as a first step, I’d recommend to refer to your GP for the necessary blood tests and afterwards maybe to a specialist in sexual medicine.
If you’ve done that already, ask yourself if you’re taking certain substances, drugs that interfere with this (eg: alcohol).
Now if you’ve done all of that already and you’re still stuck, reach out to a psychotherapist who can help you.
Being in a relationship for a longer time and having this problem can make us feel guilty, beat ourselves up for a while, can make our partner resentful, hurt and eventually damaging the relationship.
According to the system of the brief strategic therapy, the first step is to identify what are our failed attempts so far. Ask yourself: how did you try to solve this so far?
Most common, people who are not able to have orgasms try as best as they can to have orgasms. This is exactly as the paradox of “be spontaneous”, or “be relaxed now”. The voluntary need and focus on the sensations, trying to make yourself feel something more, something else. The more you try to feel something you have never felt (or felt rarely in this context you’re in), the more you’ll feel like you’re failing. Maybe you already bought books that teach you how to reach orgasm, books of sexual gymnastics and you’re asking your partner to try different things, controlling them, turning sex into something technical and medical, algorithmic. In the end, you might feel less fulfilled than you started and more inadequate.
There’s less attention to the foreplay, more attention to the act itself, to make ourselves feel more, better, struggle to reach the orgasm.
Brief strategic therapy has a paradoxical approach to this. Instead of trying to have sex, try not to have any for 2 weeks. Instead of trying to feel something, focus on not feeling anything as best as you can.
Good luck!
