Inner Child
How do we identify we have inner child work to do?
And how do we heal our inner child?
Do you find the following things relate to your experience?
I try to please people most of the time and feel like I don’t have strong opinions, preferences, strong identity
I can’t stand up for myself and if I do, I feel guilty
I am judging and dismissing myself for being inadequate
When I get mad, I feel enraged to the extreme
I feel nervous most of the time when I think about doing something new
I love to have conflicts, being rebellious makes me feel alive
Always try to do things perfectly, see things very rigid
I accept having sex when I don’t want to
I have addiction behaviours (eg: gaming, gambling, alcohol, drugs, pornography)
I have trust issues with most people, including myself
I do everything possible to avoid conflict
I have trouble saying “no”
I am afraid constantly of being abandoned and I’ll do my best to keep a relationship going, even if this means a lot of compromise from my side
I prefer to avoid people in general
I never felt close to my parents
I have difficulties asking for things from others to fulfill my needs
I struggle receiving love from others, allowing love in (eg: gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical affection, compliments and encouragement)
I care more for others than for myself
If you relate to some of these sentences (at least a couple of them), it means one of the aspects you can acknowledge is that your inner child was wounded.
The inner child is a part of your psyche which contains the memories and events that happened in your childhood and the effects they had on you.
It also contains all the joy and excitement, innocence, creativity of a child, being fascinated and excited about the world and life.
When we struggle with relationship issues in our couple, struggle with the aspects mentioned above, it’s our inner child drawing our attention to them.
The main needs that the inner child has are all in the direction of feeling safe and loved:
to be seen, to be heard
to be nurtured, cared for, protected
to have boundaries
I invite you to do a practical exercise that is aimed to heal your wounded inner child.
First allow yourself some time to do this work, make sure you are in a place where you feel safe and you can be by yourself.
Welcome up a moment when you felt pain as a child. It can be anything from for example a moment when your needs were not met, you were left alone, left out, threatened to a moment when you were hurt (emotionally, physically).
Now allow yourself to feel that feeling. And imagine your adult self coming to console your child self.
Welcome up the feelings and allow them to be there. If you feel like crying, allow yourself to cry; if you feel like yelling, allow yourself to express that.
And see your adult self embracing your child self. You can even try it as a physical action to hug yourself, cradle yourself, pat yourself on the head and shoulders. Do with yourself that which you feel the child needs from you to contain and heal their pain.
Do this until you feel that your inner child is at peace again.
It’s a small exercise and it can be a constant practice you have to heal your inner child. This part is all about seeing them, and nurturing, caring for their pain.
If you feel overwhelmed, keep allowing the feelings to pass through you. You might feel the need to do this practice with some therapeutic support at first. Feel free to reach out to a therapist in your area and work through this.
In a later post, we’ll talk about other aspects like what are boundaries and how to set them, why they are important also in relationship to our inner child.
Onwards and upwards!
