Giving and taking in couple relationships
One of the essential aspects of intimate couple relationships is the balance of giving and taking. This is a huge topic, but I’ll try to bring you the key aspects of it and maybe I’ll make a series on this topic.
What does giving in the “right” amount mean?
It means you give them just a little bit more than they gave you. This small off balance helps the relationship be dynamic and flow, in need of getting rebalanced. In a healthy balanced relationship, your partner would reciprocate and in turn give you just a little bit more back.
When we talk about negative exchange (as in “they did something wrong or mean to us”, “they hurt us”), to balance out the negative impact you need to require something in return that compensates with the hurt you felt. Another option would be to return the hurt in a smaller dose than your original hurt. This type of exchange will rebalance your relationship and keep it healthy.
There are more types of negative dynamics when it comes to exchange.
One of them is when each partner gets revenge and hurts the other one more in turn. And you can get stuck in this destructive spiral that just keeps amplifying and persists through time.
To explain why there needs to be a smaller hurt given in return, imagine you would lash out in revenge and give back more negativity to your partner than the one you originally received. This is a destructive path. As you can tell, it’s not going to be a good relationship if both of you keep creating this vicious cycle of hurting each other.
Another type of dynamic could be that one of the partners is the one who tends to hurt the other one the most. So one partner ends up playing a role of “perpetrator” and the other one the role of “victim”. If this is the vicious circle you are in, an approach that is systemic could help you see what is underlying in your couple dynamic. Sometimes this type of situation is a symptom of a greater family systems dynamic. Each of the partners could be in an unconscious entanglement with their family system (either with a victim or with a perpetrator).
The next type of exchange that is unbalanced is when one of the partners gives too much.
Giving too much is slowly deteriorating the relationship.
When a partner gives and gives more than the other one can receive, this overwhelms the other and makes them indebted. The person who is the “giver” starts to have higher expectations for what they should receive and if they don’t receive, they build up resentment.
Another dynamic that happens here is that the “giver” start to feel entitled to receive and superior to the other one. Many people prefer to be “givers” in a relationship because this is a way to gain control over the other one. This type of imbalance between giving and taking naturally happens in a relationship between parent and child, where it’s normal that the parent gives and the child receives.
What happens to the partner who is the “receiver” in this dynamic? As mentioned before they become indebted and they might want to push their partner away, or become more separated from them. Sometimes you see that through symptoms like : the “receiver” goes to another relationship and starts cheating or does something else to sabotage and end the relationship.
As a partner when we give too much, it’s a sign of something that was missing for us as children in our relationship with our mother. We might think as “givers” that we try to do everything possible to not have our partner leave us. Unfortunately, by giving too much, we create the opposite reaction of what we’re looking to get.
When we look for a partner, we unconsciously look for someone who mirrors our emotional wounds or someone who triggers us emotionally. If you face these dynamics in your couple relationship, keep in mind it’s just a sign of your childhood traumatic experiences.
We come together to help each other heal and grow and become more free versions of ourselves.
Hope this helps you get more clarity and identify what you need to do to balance out the exchange in your couple!
If you found this useful, feel free to share it with you friends and loved ones!
Onwards and upwards!
