How to make your love last
If you’ve been with someone for a long time, you might find yourself having more or less secret thoughts and feelings about being bored because you’re getting into a routine, not seeing anything THAT special in your partner and in your relationship anymore.
Many people go through this stage after about 1-1.5 years of the relationship. It can feel scary and you don’t want to admit it to yourself. You might interpret it as “the love is gone”, “there’s not much spark left”.
I find this topic very close to my heart because I see so many people going through this stage and being confused, running on automatic, getting divorced or separated after they start feeling this. Then they change their partner, go on to the next one and after a while they get to the same feeling they’ve been running from. And this can get repeated their whole life or maybe they get stuck to a person that they feel is not good enough for them and feel resigned and disappointed, the rest of their life.
I say … no need to worry and put some extreme action in place. But rather, let’s take a closer look at what is happening with us and how we can get out of this vicious automatic cycle of relationships. There’s a way out!
The problem is not in the partner or in the relationship as you might consider “they are boring” or “I know them too well and it’s all routine now”. The problem comes mainly from our view, our eyes don’t have a “fresh” look on things. In other words, we stopped being present in our relationship and with our partner. Whenever you feel bored of them or by the relationship you have, it’s because of this.
So, what can we do to get out of the vicious cycle?
Short answer: cultivate being present.
Step 1: Be curious (of your partner and of yourself).
You might think you already know everything about them. Truth is you change, they change, we all change. As Heraclit says “everything moves and nothing rests” and he’s comparing everything to a river, stating that “you do not step twice into the same river”. This is because you change and the river changes from one moment to the other.
So, in that sense, your partner and you always change. You should take the assumption that you don’t know them and let go of the assumptions you make about them, how they are, what they like, what they want, why they act in certain ways. Be curious and investigate with a curious mind, with curious eyes… what are you going to discover new today? Explore them. Ask curious questions.
Step 2: Become more aware of what your partner is feeling.
Just be open to what they are, with all your senses. Notice all the things they communicate even in subtle ways, for example through their tone, through their body. And important aspect here is to let go of interpreting, don’t get stuck in it.
Step 3: Notice how you are being reactive to your partner.
One of the key things that get couples to the next level of relationship is letting go of being reactive. You might notice this when for example “they push your buttons”, they do something that you don’t like and it bothers you and it makes you act in certain ways. Let’s say your partner forgets to lock the door when you are sleeping even though you’ve told them many times to do it. And then you yell at them and isolate yourself, don’t talk to them for half of the day, because you’re angry and upset they don’t do the thing that is important for you.
Becoming angry is here the reaction we have. Instead of being reactive, work through your feelings, allow them to come up and allow them to pass through you, without punishing your partner for how you are feeling. Let go of the negative feelings that come up just like you would drop a pen. They don’t serve you in this case. And after you are feeling good and have a peaceful mind, you can go and have a calm conversation with them. The things that your partner does that bother you … just show you your own negativity that you have to work with.
Step 4: Practice loving compassion
Instead of staying stuck in your own way of seeing things, consider different perspectives? What if things are different from how you see them now?
Also do you prefer to be right or be happy?
Examples of how we could judge in good or bad behaviours: “if he takes the trash out, that’s a good thing; if he doesn’t that’s bad, he’s not a good husband”; “if she cooks more that’s good, if she doesn’t then it’s bad, she’s not a good wife”.
Allow them to be as they are, and love them for how they are.
Let go of judging and nit-picking what they do.
As Rumi says “Beyond good and bad there is a field, I’ll meet you there”
It’s important to note here that there is a distinction between non-judgement and having discernment. Discerning is healthy and we need this capacity always. There are cases of very abusive couple relationships and you need to see if that’s your case, it’s healthy to discern if you’re being treated in an abusive manner and get out of there. Having a moral compass in general keeps us out of toxic relationships and protects us. An abuser will always have the interest to confuse your moral compass of good/bad and acceptable/non-acceptable behaviours.
Step 5: Listen deeply without rushing to respond
Many times we listen partially because we are actually already thinking of our response or we want to say something, get some air time.
We do this because either:
we are being reactive to what the other one is saying
we want the air time, the attention, the energy of the other one
You can listen not only with your ears, but with your whole body.
When you are still and feel peace inside, what happens is that your breathing is smooth and deep, your eyes are relaxed and attentive, your body is relaxed. Facing your partner with your whole body and listening to what they are saying and also what they are not saying (what they need from you) creates a very nurturing connection between you and them. You won’t know when time flies and you’ll feel like you gained energy, by listening in this way.
When you are at peace with yourself, you can love the other one, with all their content, exactly as they are.
I hope this helps you and you take something good out of it for your current situation.
